real

monstros @ 2008-12-17T10:42:00

2008-12-17T17:42:39Z

It started raining and I'm at the bus stop. With no umbrella. gotta love unexpectful L.A Its all a blur even living through it.

Now on the bus an elderly man says to me I SHOULD HAVE TAKEN THE CAR. I smile politely because I really could give less of a shit what he "should have done". So then he proceeds to yell "I should have taken the car I'm a mess!!" then I nod. Then he whispers to me the same shit. And I reply "YES I heard you, ok." I suppose the people of Santa Monica suppose everyone is fucking giddy and cares what their neighbors think. Too bad I'm not from here.

There's nothing to look forward at work when it rains. My patience is through the floor and I've began to be my snappy honest self with the customers, which results in them ditching me or just being too nice. These holidays will be nothing like the rest.

I'm asking for a unicorn head.

2008-12-09T02:30:23Z

I've been reading manga and design books while people watching out this bookstore windo when I should really be reading something else for class this week.

I'm so clouded I can't convince myself to convince myself. I wear a big scarf hooded over my head and believe if I feel invisible I truly must be.

All in all there are reasons for my 'unreasonable' actions.

check please!, the sky is on fire and I'd rather be outside

2008-12-07T01:09:48Z

I'm sitting alone in a restaraunt staring out the window. I purposely chose a window seat with a table to sit 5 or 6 people. I can see my reflection and its somewhat blurry, due to my renewed poor eyesight, the blurry glare, and the missing pieces of myself.

I sat sucking on the whip cream of my chocolate milk while a man stared amused. I didn't stop despite how raunchy his thoughts raced, and why should I? They must think 'What kind of childhood problem has she had' for me to look dead and mechanical and so empty inside. These black holes are my eyes. The problem I had as a child was that I didn't have one. For everything that happened around me I experience the most uncommon regular childhood. Its as if I havnt left that childhood kingdom. I am as I was and will always be the wild one at heart.

I tasted the sauce and it didn't taste the same as it did when we were eating together. I'm due for a big heartache. No one can understand. I'm going to be more brutally honest that I have been to liberate myself. And I'm sorry that I'm not entirely sorry at all.

I'm going to buy a backpack. I've lost mine. I'm going to put on my backpack and not come back until I'm ready and this is a promise.

monstros @ 2008-11-30T03:20:00

2008-11-30T10:20:57Z

Do you remember that ride at the fair that was a clown thing where you'd go in and went through all these mazes? And saw all these distorted images of yourself in the mirrors?

I am not dreaming am I?

I try to forget and try to be mad and find reason in not believing (This Is.)
But listening to these songs and breathing this Sky's air makes me feel that I am In the Maze and that it was Never a maze, it was myself walking through all the obstacles of my life.
These lullabies sound sweet. The horrific screams and cries rock me to sleep.

It"s OKay because at the end of the tunnel the Light Shines Through

some 9 29

2008-11-02T08:13:44Z

nights abyss
motivs

ambient lights FOR ambient eyes
I thought I knew
I thought EYE knew.
I thought Eyes k(new)
I once thought.
EYES.
I k(no)w too well that I don't know enough as i knew once.

Also, i dont long to know. at all. ive never asked questions but always assumed answers but never wanted to know the "truth" because i always "made it up" in my head.

I shrug my shoulders not because it is a childhood habit(which it is), but because I reaIly could give less of a shit to find the "truths"". and i say """"" because I dont know. But i really Dont Want To Know. I cant stress how honest I am when i say i dont care, i dont feel, i just AM.

This is due to a 40 which i am barely feeeling.
Butterflies, I showed You how to fly.

Im sitting on his calfs while we are all asleep in our minds.
This is RIGHT NOW. minutes pass as we fly over our own selves, or else how do we know what we each look like??

Do you remember that childhood book we read in class about the black child who flew over her life? This is what i'm going to do next.

The ladybug on your finger has the biggest clue about my past.

monstros @ 2008-10-29T11:46:00

2008-10-29T18:52:49Z

La mano negra, la mala vida me extranas?

sinatra seduction

2008-09-23T19:10:59Z

I'm listening to Frank Sinatra loudly in my blue lace bra inviting carbon monoxide to play it's roll.
nothing gets better than this.
I love this feeling. I seriously have came to terms that there's an old soul
living in me but we are beginning to get along.

I'm just in love with everything in this moment and could care less about anything else.

Ill swallow it down, swallow it down

2008-09-05T19:15:38Z

I'm trying to break through.

There's an old soul inside me trying to make his way out. I hope he hurries. Its an itch I can't scratch. I've felt an internal itch for some time already. I wish I could peel off the layers of my skin where I've hidden my truths and just scratch at it to stop burning. Kaleidoscope eyes means everything is at its most complex state. I'm shaking and feel the way it feels when you're super buzzed. There's noises in my ears that won't go away and they're saying all the wrong things. I'm about to just let loose and find out where that takes me. The wind is my compass today and forever. The things I once longed don't mean SHIT anymore. Everything I saw in every shade in between black and white is beginning to become more clear. I mean nothing by anything. You'd be surprised to know how unsane I believe my mind to be. It needs this great outlet. I'm going to plug myself to an amplifier and shatter beliefs. I'm going to throw a bucket of water at it so it can spark. That's how the itch must look like.

I've also decided I'm going to paint the town my favorite color. No one get in the way you'll get painted too.

findings

2008-08-25T04:09:25Z

In the hollowness of your body I want to make my habitat.
Sitting in your soul will allow me to comprehend You and I
are nothing and our attachment is none.
Nothing is set in stone.
Fossilized moans and bits of broken nails in flesh
How divine when you throw me up
(old and used
new and alive).
Eat me back before I learn to love another
Your inner child taught me to feed you from my bodily fluids,
which I choke on when I speak your name.

monstros @ 2008-08-21T21:58:00

2008-08-21T21:58:15Z

Nothing is recent.

Everyone needs something to believe in. We become so gullible hoping luck exists. The lucky penny on the floor is just for comfort. I sang the song and it gleamed at me. I don't count my life on luck but I knew someone having a bad day would pick it up believing that miraculously their day would turn around. An old lady on a bike nearly got ran over just to pick the penny up. She smiled. So I guess just believing takes some shade away from the clouds above our heads. Just feeling tommorrow and remembering times once polar opposite with these makes counting on pennies to make the sun shine a silly thing.

monstros @ 2008-07-20T04:45:00

2008-07-20T04:45:03Z

I'm leaning against the wind, pretending I am weightless, but in this moment it is not happiness if anything its confusion.

These mangled thoughts have confused assurance in my decision making with uncertainty. I used to not know and liked it, I still don't know and now love it.

I showered with hot water right now but it didn't peel you away. The drain clogs so you still linger in the bathwater.

ill romanticize about a stranger whom I know ill meet between the pages of dusty
books.

The only truth to this is that I've been playing piano to beethoven the whole day in my head.

[days ago]

2008-07-15T06:19:52Z

She once had wings. So she remembers how to fly. Muscle memory. She was born free in a forest and camouflaged her skin with her surroundings until she found you. She stopped being scared but began to worry. She flew. More than your 17 hours to find her "home". By coincedance she found this butterfly catcher, far beyond her reason and let him clip her wings so that he could know all she wanted was to be taken care of as she cared for others until they deceived her. She always took care of her trees by eating the insects that infested them. The trees then provided a hiding spot and then they were cut. If they truly loved her they would have walked away from the forest but they allowed thmselves to get cut. The butterfly catcher is just another tree to her. But this time once the tr(he)e has accustomed to her warmness she provides it, she will grow her wings back and fly away. As she was before. And as she always will.

monstros @ 2008-07-03T00:01:00

2008-07-03T01:16:36Z

Maybe ill learn to thank my quick impulses.
The quiet girl sitting with her hands and legs crossed isn't me. I'm the one behind her throwing shit at her head and giggling at all the non funny things. I'm the one reading books you'll never understand and the one decoding lifes secret messages. Too bad I'm not the girl infront that everyone would like. Well, too bad for YOU. Because it doesn't bother me one bit. Throw me in a pit of wolves and you'll see I'm the biggest carnivore ever to exist. I will step on your head if it means I will breathe at the bottom of a well. I will make it out of the tunnel alive. Love?? Did love save me? No, stepping over you did. Sometimes we can not think with the heart. Mind over heart. Mind over heart. This will certainly not mean I will end a bitter loveless being because of my realizations.
I decoded mummified love stories of those who felt their love would be eternal. Their love shines down on us everyday. They named it The Sun. That is why love will never die for me. It will run the reign it has. This is why it burns within. I love love. I have realized so much it perplexes me to think about where it will lead me.

sera muy tarde tan temprano

2008-05-25T15:39:05Z

Que sera de mi.

No puder durmir en la manana
Pensando que la unica manera que quiero vivir por ahora es existiendo nadames por un porcentaje. Quiciera poder cargar todos las partes de mi cuerpo en una caja de carton, pero realise que fuera impossible sin que uvieran miles de preguntas. Y no quiero dar rason como siempre.

Fui influensada ayer por un imagen que cambia todo cuando lo mire.
Una calabera en sus rodias en la manera que jente le habla a su Dios. Los brasos eran extendidos y le ofresian su verdadero corazon a Dios. Que divina intervencion.

Despues de eso pense que quisiera cargar my corazon en mis manos para siempre. Pero vive asi un tiempo, y todo fue mal.
Sin fe que ay?

Mente sobre corazon es comon vivire.
Quien sabe si en el camino realise que por escojer mis pensamientos sobre mis sentidos de amor me faye.

No estoy para volverme loca con preguntas que ni el viento save.
El viento me cantava canciones con secretos por un tiempo. Despues me vino la rason y el viento se canso de cantarle a una nina que no escucha

Ya que?

you have no clue.

2008-05-23T02:32:49Z

The sun was up when I realized I was sitting looking into the mirror infront of the bed watching myself. Wondering a million things without a clue. My hair wasn't messy minus the bangs, and my eyes were wide. I looked wide awake. I couldn't recognize the girl in the mirror, so distraught, full of hope, and with no answers. Who knows if I slept.

My soul has been trying to escape me, so I thought about putting a sword through my guts to keep it inside, so I did. I went to school with it and ignored it knowing no one else would figure it was there.

I'm ticking. When I explode it will cover every human with tar and confetti.

I'm the twisted dna model

2008-05-09T18:03:05Z

The closest thing I can explain about me right now is that i am book elegantly binded but in a language you can't read.

My writting has been replaced by bottled thoughts that at one point soon will burst and rain all over the place. Like a compressed champagne bottle. I knew once I'd stop being in that moment I would no longer write. All my little notes can be sewed into a big blanket to cover your meaningless thoughts.

I am excited about all that's in the air. Lately the things that seemed so far out of reach seem to look a little closer. I've noticed how people are so negative. WHAT'S the point in hate? In putting others down? And in being friends with those you want to drag down with you? Is it comfort to feel if you fail you have one to fall with? I've let go of many people. Dropped them like bombs. And I haven't ever felt a slight regret since then. You have to move on and move up and if those around you aren't going the same place then see ya. Roads meet up. I know there's people wishing me bad, doing things against me and having thoughts about how I'm really not much better than them. But that's where theyre wrong.

Don't underestimate me because time and time again I've risen to the top and left others beneath me to struggle with their own doubts. Choose your words carefully before you choke on them. I'm so relieved I am not one to let negative things in. I can hear, see, feel anything negative and believe me they do not affect me. We have to learn to be this way in order to never doubt what we are capable of.

This year..... we are in May already, almost halfway done with the year... and I'm content with having just these pre planned thoughts already. They are enough right now.

monstros @ 2008-03-21T22:27:00

2008-03-23T05:29:11Z

The minutes turn to hours turn to days turn to weeks turn to months times running faster and faster each moment.

Last night was spent alone watching Clueless while eating delicious double fudge chocolate cake with chocolate shavings in bed, how glamorous.

Today Ismael pantsed me in front of his two younger brothers and the youngest one ( who's crushing on me big time) ran and came back for a 2nd look while I half laughed/yelled /half cursed/ decided what to do with my pants. I walked backward trying to pull them up but they were somehow stuck below my knees. Ismael stood there and then walked away and opened the fridge like nothing had just happened and I ran to his room. fuckit.

I then laid in bed with my head hanging down listening to Cat Power, thinking about all the things I can be doing right now, but somehow laying here this way thinking about the things I thought about, made me not want to move.

I've learned so much about myself lately, I am happy with who I am, there is room for improvements though, but I have grown alot.

NEW

2008-01-02T22:46:42Z

Incredible how fast time slips like sand clenched in your hand. Everything is temporary and everything is permanent. When you pass on, you are not here anymore."you" vanish. But everything you did on earth is permanent. Every footstep and every breath you took will be fossilized. Every breath you take is permanently gone every second. You took it in so that someone else wouldn't. Be thankful for everything, the good, the bad.

07 is over. It quickly went by. It's already the second day of 2008.So much happened for me in 2007. I realized a lot and grew more. I hid away for a while to recollect myself in order not to loose myself as I felt I was. I really felt at a point that I was going through an existential crisis and had to remind myself that everything is temporary and to make the best of everything. I am thankful for that time because it changed everything. Life is unexpected and that's putting it into understanding terms, but thats a whole other entry.

It's a new beginning, a new page in the chapters of my life. It's time to make things right. It's a chance to fix what you feel is wrong, and to make yourself stronger. You can no longer get lost time back. The clock is ticking and will not pause for anyone, so realize this. The world is in us and we can change whatever we dislike. I am ready for 2008.

monstros @ 2007-12-17T13:13:00

2007-12-18T21:44:38Z

I am alone right now and the weather is perfectly gloomy.I've tried to update more with whats in mind but it does not come out the same so I put it to the side. I have pages and pages filled with writtings I would think came from someone else's mind, but they are my own and when I was in that place I knew that later on things would change. and they have.

How can i put these things into terms that I can comprehend? Over analyzing is painful when it fucks with your sleeping habits. I wrote like a madman at those times. I have so much in mind that it's time to get it all out.

I wish i had a garden. A big garden that I could lost in for hours and hours. I want to go hiking. There are some breathe taking views up in these mountains I hiked at when I was younger, I'd like to go soon. Let the crsipy air dance around me to take my thoughts out. My mind has too many plans that they should unravel soon. Time to talk and change things up. everyone has seen everything and everything is a repetition of something else. True this will be hard but I definately think it will be worth it.

monstros @ 2007-12-17T06:28:00

2007-12-17T06:45:56Z

In the car right now listening to the cranberries loud and
eating a samwich and sipping on some vanilla steamer uhmyummi. Forgetting the negativity that surrounds the ignorant, and plastic veil some humans have drapped on them. Might be up in the canyons in a bit.

My boyfrennnn warned me that if I keep kicking the dashboard right now as I'm doing the airbags will hit me in the face. I DARE YOU airbags. I guess ill just keep teasing him through the window.

I've been rocking a transformers headpiece all day. Its heavy and I can still recognize my voice ..shitty voice changer. I still rule though.

monstros @ 2007-12-13T11:58:00

2007-12-14T20:08:02Z

On Wednesday i hung out with Kim, Ale and Kim. I made them yummy brownies and we drank milk yummieyummie. Once we talk, we cant stop i learned this. I also realized my voice raises to 230947 decibals when i have a conversation, to the point where the man sitting next to us having his lovely dinner was giggling all to himself.

I can meet many girls and go through them like underwear yet I always find myself with those girls; I never tire of them, We've been through it all, you name it. And we can talk about anything and it's alll gooood cause we always laugh in the end like hyenas .

Time to get ready blegh.

monstros @ 2007-11-24T01:46:00

2007-11-25T09:48:51Z

I only eat leafs leaves leafs. Im a Brontasaurus he says.Fuck it i cant typewithout erasing
For four months i was cleannn?? or so. fuck pastry faces fuck cakes with two fruits that are cooked and raw, love cupcakes i ate them everyday for months straight as gifts from thwe boy,
Faaaahhhhhhhh. im knowcking out as i type. Fuck haters, Fuck ppl who put ppl down becus theyre unhappy,mmmmm thats goooood late food after i just ate food. mmmmmmm delish 1000 worth of food? ive tasted better licking my own ass, 20000 watch amde fomr pure gold?? 1000 watch on that wrist ive told time by just staring at the sun and i casn tell you TIME IS UP when im bored with you,.. versace pants? i rarely wear anything when im alive.gucci belts? i dont need belts if ill pull my pants down as i please, names names namez name the thing that mattered before names name the name that you matter to.theres no regret in happiness. expensive shoes? cant deny them, i use them as we fuck.maddogs fo free and a sock in your face wont hurt cuz bitch theres a pillow of makepu on ass. useless as fauhhh and the beauty is as real as sincerity from the non existent, Fuck it all. money is shit when youre dead,Live life. life is "free" "free" cause its free to an extent. thin lines between right and too much.
rock&rooollllllllll till i die bitches. oh and my feet are still numb bt godamnnnnnnn these killers are fucking hot. my burps smell as delishus as the first flower on summers eve.

monstros @ 2007-11-14T22:58:00

2007-11-16T07:27:22Z

sawdust and art has relaxed me right now. now if i weren't too comfy to make some bedtime tea. excited for December, an exhibition that i want to see. I've gone to many exhibitions and never get tired of it,i touch everything even though the signs say DO NOT TOUCH, i've even made alarms go off and it doesn't stop me. tazer me bitches I dare you. unfortunately missed Robert Wilson at the Ace, went the wrong gallery and couldnt find the right one WHO NAMES TWO GALLERIES THE SAME THING. I was so excited to see his Voom Portraits.sad about that, stoked about his documovie coming out about his life.

My artistic abilities have plummeted. I have many undeveloped film and have not painted in the longest time, and my boyfriend gave me a big sketchbook that i fucked around in for a while and resulted in writing in it only and making tiny drawings and writing like a true G, might i add. I went to a big sale to buy new supplies and canvas and ended up walking up & down the aisles avoiding the annoying sales guy, touching brushes and whining about how I've managed to lose my shit, or misplace it. I get inspired by everything yet I continue to scatter everything on paper and cant ever continue because once i stop time changes and my mood changes and my ideas change and I dont feel as I did when I started.. In my mind i have started and finished, but it's not that simple to get it from my head to my hand. wahwah

monstros @ 2007-11-05T17:53:00

2007-11-05T18:21:16Z

Time runs like sand clenched in your hands.

A year ago,
I was hanging out with a boy. Everything was normal but all of a sudden it got silent I heard his chest pounding. He felt cold and I could feel his heart racing through his shirt, pounding so fast and hard. I asked if he was fine but he gave me a hesitated yes. It weirded me out. It didn't sound normal as it continued and he felt extremely cold. Not long after he asked me out. Now looking back as he was preparing to ask me out we laugh about his near heart attack because he was so nervous.

He brought me the biggest bouqet of flowers evvvver to work, as he walked in with them they covered half of him. Instant smile. He has surprised me with flowers on several occasions but these are so tall and big and they smell so pretty mmm. I also sneaked a surprise in on him, I should work for the c.i.a. We've known eachother for so long yet it seems everything happened yesterday. Fuck the past, it ignited our present, we say.

I want to walk and talk like the animals...

2007-10-01T06:37:31Z

Saw the Noah's Arc exhibition at the Skirball Museum yesterday. So cute. I wanted to climb the apparatus but did not want to frighten the youngins. We colored in the coloring section and he colors so silly. had story time from an african man who shook the hell out of my soul when he played drums and danced. He looked like crocodile dundee.

At night my boyfriend made me tea and rubbed my head until I fell asleep. Mmmm. and I had sashimi yesterday -so good, I craved it so badly when I was gone.